I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
