Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
