Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
