There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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