a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
