Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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