I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
