So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
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I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am naked and annoyed.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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