I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
