there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
