You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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