my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
