Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
