I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
