He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
