Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.