my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..