did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants