I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So much rum. So many feels.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
