those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
