Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
