It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect