Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
