So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
