my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
