Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
