The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
