just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
