You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
