Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
are you so shy because you have an std?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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