sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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