im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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