Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
