Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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two words...techno handjob
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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