I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
