All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
