i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
