I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
