Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
