Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
