Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
