i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
