dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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