Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
