I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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