im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
