Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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