Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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