I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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