I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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