i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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