I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
4 words: hood of his car
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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