I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
