The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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