I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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